The scan

I just came back from another gynae scan today, at 34 weeks along, and yes, it's pretty much confirmed.
I'm having another girl (^_^). My third child will be another daughter.
I feel very blessed. Praise be to Allah.

But why do people keep giving me pitiful looks and comforting words? Am I not supposed to feel happy? Oh, because she's not a boy.

I didn't realize we still live in biblical times.

How do I put this? Seriously, honestly, genuinely, I'm very, very happy. I can't say it enough. I sound like a broken record already. There's no reason why I shouldn't be.

And yet people take it upon themselves to comfort me somehow. I'm going to have a beautiful, healthy baby soon but because she doesn't have a penis, people tend to feel sorry for me. With her arrival, apparently i'm not filling some kind of `quota', so, `I should keep trying'.

Yes, I'm going keep trying after this but only because I want more kids, not because I need a baby boy to feel complete! So wait a minute, are you calling me inadequate? Huh? huh?

My poor baby, not even born and yet already being discriminated against.

If only people know how difficult it was for me to get pregnant in the first place.
If only people know how difficult it is for some people to have kids even.
If only people know how many kids are left unloved and uncared for.

This one will have parents and 2 elder sisters who will dote on her unconditionally.

It's never enough with these folks. And trust me, they get younger and younger nowadays.

If you're single, they'll ask you when you'll get hitched. If you do get married, they'll bug you about having a kid. Then when you do have a child, they'll pester you about having another one right after the 2nd birthday party.

Then if you're blessed with 2-3 kids but of a single sex only, they'll start offering advice on having one of the other!

Do these people really mean well like they say they do? I have a feeling some plot of conspiracy is conjured behind our backs, where the more miserable we get, the more points they score.

My 30-year-old very-successful single engineer sister has 2 elder sisters to tell our mum to back off. One uncle even married another because the first wife couldn't produce boys, when really, if you know a pitiful amount of science like I do, hello, it's like the male that produces the chromosoms that determine the sex of the baby.

Sigh. There's just no pleasing everyone, is there?

The good news is, at this age, I don't feel the need to. I know my 2 girls and husband are ecstatic and highly anticipating this arrival, and that more than does it for me.

So there's only one thing to do about these `well-meaning' folks.
Stop telling people about the scan and just shrug, `entahlah'.

And then they will bug me when the baby's born! Haha.. it just never ends!

I love being pregnant because..

.. it's the only time when ANYTHING is bigger than my boobs. Haha..

Morning sickness at 35

I dunno if it's the 3rd pregnancy, or the fact that I'm 35 this year.. but boy, did I have it hard! My morning sickness was so bad that I remained horizontal most of the time and couldn't find the energy to do most things. And darn, that sucked.. big time..
I loathed the sight of the computer screen, reading were just blurry lines after 5 minutes and get this, the thought of food repulsed me.
Everything I'd never thought I'd be.
Forget driving, forget phD research, forget eating.
I was going from pajama to pajama, day in and day out, wishing I'd hit 4 months so it would all be over.
While vowing never to get pregnant ever again.

Hye

I haven't written in a while.
Between my short holiday trips and reading for my research, not much has happened.

I must say this though, I'm getting bored with staying home.
Never thought I was the stay-at-home type and this has confirmed it.
As a good friend said, phD is one long, lonely journey.
Never thought I'd agree with her so soon.

And yet, I would hate going back to work either. Last I heard, things got crazier there.

And so, here I am, at home, in my tees and capris, trying to make sense of how I'm going to cope for the next 2.5 years. While catching up on my 1000 books & articles to read for research.

Sigh.. I feel sad and alone and bored.

Guess I'm not too cut out for this phd-business after all.

Buat passport baru

Kakak renew passport.

Adik buat passport baru.

Mama... surf airlines website...

(I can't start my studies yet... I have to go somewhere first and get this travel bug out of my system.. Earghh!!)

My new role

As of last week, I begin a new chapter in my life... as a phD student.
I've cleared my office, said goodbye to my colleagues and will be on leave for the next 3 years.

Funny, all i can think about is travel, travel, travel! Hehe..

My girls as of today

What's up today

• Sufya is taking drama classes & Quranic for the school hols.
• Sarah had her first taste of milk other than mine. Sadly...! I was able to hang on to fully breastfeeding her for 1 year & 3 months. And due to the impossible amount I pump out now, I had to resort to a backup. From today on, she'll have a serving of fresh milk and the rest breastmilk..sob sob. Having said that though, i'm proud of myself for making it this far..

(Yikes, just realized the camera date is wrong!)

Gasp!

Sukasukasukasukasukasukanyaaaaaaaa (^_^)
Abang Coach.. tunggu... i'm comingggggg

The biggest secret of all

I just came back from teaching IELTS skills to my fellow colleagues - lecturers who are about to further their studies abroad and need to sit for this internationally-acknowledged English Test where they need to achieve a certain band to proceed with their application.

And God, I feel good.

I get stints like this once in a while apart from what I teach everyday - which is Technical English, and think to myself- this is what I wanna do, this is where I belong - teach proficiency to appreciating adults. I'm reminded again of what brought me here in the first place - my love for teaching proficiency English.

What I do now is teach Technical English to engineering and IT undergrads, who half-dragged themselves to class, looking like something the cat brought in, wishing that the skies would fall down that day so that class would be cancelled.

Today I drove home feeling FULL. I feel satisfied, accomplished and just happy. It doesn't help that my absolute current fav song was on air too ~ Next Plane Home - Daniel Powter (best gilerr kan lagu ni??) which I loudly sang and danced along with.

I love the wide-eyed innocence of students, be they 20 or 45, and the look on their faces when they understand and recognise something. The grin and nods make you feel like you've shared with them the biggest secret of all! It's just priceless.

And when the teaching profession get slammed, hit and clobbered left, right and corner, this twinkle-in-the-eye is what gets you through the day. When the day sucks and all you have is the smallest will to live, this is the the thing that picks you up and pushes you to move on. When we have nothing else to hold on to, this hope is what we have.

And noone but us teachers will know how that feels.

And that, ladies & gentlemen, is the biggest secret of all! Hah! So who has the last laugh now?

Gundah gulana

Hatiku tengah gundah gulana..
Stok freezer tinggal 3 botol saja lagi. Combined with daily production.. it's only a matter of time before I have to resort to buying milk elsewhere other than my own.. :-(

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, please increase my milk supply for my baby... you have blessed me for 14 months.. Kalau benarlah itu rezeki anakku, engkau permudahkanlah laluanku.
Hanya kepada Engkau sahaja aku berserah. Amin..

Beginilah cabaran seorang ibu menyusu..

I wish it were that easy to just go and buy a can of milk for her.. but apparently not. It's like I've declared war with formula milk and yet after a year, I realize I shouldn't be so hard on myself anymore.

I'm so darn confused!