Where the world owes you nothing

I'm done

2011-01-12T13:36:00.002+08:00

At exactly one year after breastfeeding and pumping, I regretfully have to throw in the towel. This post is to remember those moments by.

This is bought brand new, solely for my breastmilk.

Put together in a ziplock bag and label by month.

The last few.. sob sob

Arrange this way in the freezer.. there was a time when I got 2 layers of this.

This is it

Another angle

And this is why I stopped. I was pumping blood for nearly a month and they just wouldn't heal. After a month, I gave up and took it as a sign.

Smart Aleck

2010-10-28T13:14:00.001+08:00

I was watching the home-deco tv program "Find Your Style" yesterday with my daughters when a conversation erupted.

Me: *sigh* Everything looks so good there.
Sufya: So you found your style?
(^_^)

10 mins later...

Me: Suddenly I feel that everything in this house is ugly.
Sufya: So change it.
Me: It will be expensive.
Sufya: I meant the channel Ma. Change the channel.
Hmmph...!

Since when did you grow up and become such a wise-cracking joker??

My love is like a red, red rose

2010-08-12T10:25:00.001+08:00

I recently had this delivered for someone dear to me and realized I would have loved to receive surprise flowers on my own. I told my husband once before - way back when - that he needn't bother buying flowers for me, I find them too impractical; gorgeous, expensive.. but goes straight into the trash can the next day.

Damn that day! Hehe. True enough, till this day, not a single stalk has come my way. Why do men have to take everything so literally?

Anyway, that aside, I've realized a few things when it comes to flowers.

1. A bed of roses, long-stemmed, arranged in a box, is very, very elegant.
2. Roses must be red. They're majestic, royal and dripping with luxury. The other colours are just wannabe roses.. they just don't quite cut it. (Okay, maybe champagne white is a close second)
3. Never underestimate the power of what flowers can do to pick up your day. The cheer is almost instant.
4. And lastly,...

this one will do, thank you very much ^_^

One down

2010-08-11T22:21:00.001+08:00

I am sad. After 4 months of life, my Ameda Lactaline is broken.
I was happily pumping away yesterday, when suddenly there was no suction. The light was on but suction was gone.

Now I'm packing it to send to a Mr. Tan, the authorised service person in Malaysia and enjoy my one-year warranty on the pump.

Hope it comes back all brand new.

Miss it already :-(

My Wipes

2010-08-11T16:15:00.003+08:00

I pump on the road a lot. And I mean, a lot.

That's why I need a lot of pumps, I guess, so it's easy for me to grab and go and leave one waiting at home for me. And mostly, my pumping activities take place in my car. It helps that I drive a SUV so I'm higher than most people.. haha.. and they can't see what mischief I'm up to.

When you pump on the road a lot, most of the times it's not the most convenient way to bring the liquid cleanser, wash the pump parts with runny water and shake it off/towel-dry/wait for it to dry for the next session.

I found the best way is to use baby wipes to wipe the residue dry. But beware, not all wipes will fit the bill.

It has to be alcohol-free and food grade so that when milk comes into contact with it, it's fine.

I used to use this

but they're pretty expensive in Malaysia.. about RM70 for 24 pieces. So I started looking for alternatives and found this.

They're wonderful! and for just RM10 for 30 pieces.. they're a much better bargain.
But it wasn't until I stumbled upon these a few weeks ago that I felt like hitting the jackpot. Check it out!

They are from Pigeon - called Hand and Mouth Wipes - alcohol-free and 100% Food Grade Ingredients and can even be used to wipe fruits and vegetables before feeding to baby. How cool is that? And they cost RM20 for 2 packs of 60 wipes each. I am ecstatic. Heheh..

So you guys, get your Pigeon Hand and Mouth wipes and a mesh bag like this

Just wipe off and air-dry in here for the next pumping round on the road and save the proper washing for home later (^_^)

I love all my pumpsss!!!!!

2010-06-30T09:59:00.008+08:00

Having said that, I just offered a friend if she would like to buy one of them. I try to rotate using them as best I can, still, I really, really don't need 3 double electric pumps. My manual pump is collecting webs as we speak too.

When she asked which one I was selling, I couldn't answer.

And then I realized I'd rather not part with any of them..no, no, no.. sob sob!

So Ain, if you're reading this, when the time comes that you need to buy a second breastpump, ask me again and I might be able to answer then. But I'm not ready now.. and no guarantees then as well actually... huhu..

If you've had a breastpump before, you'll understand this ridiculous attachment with it.

So until then, happy pumping everyone.. I know I am..! ;-)

Penantian itu suatu penyiksaan

2010-04-28T08:49:00.018+08:00

Ok, ok.. I'll tell you. ( As if you don't know already.. huhu )

I bought another breastpump (^_^).. *silence*

Huhuhu.. am I pathetic to you?

Forget handbags, forget shoes, THIS is the flavour of the year. Breastpumps.

But no, it's not just another breastpump. I bought THE ULTIMATE BREASTPUMP - the mother of all breastpumps, the queen bee, the big kahuna.

The Medela Freestyle.

I mentioned before that due to some reasons I probably will not buy this pump, but *alas!* i succumbed to my curiosity and willpower to resist.

Like a teenage mad crush, I just couldn't get it out of my head.

Before I knew it, I was bidding at Ebay US and won.

In my defense, I got it cheaper that Malaysian prices. It'll arrive in 2 weeks when a dear cousin brings it home for me.

*Note: 15 May 2010 (oooh.. i cannot wait...!!!!!)

If you haven't heard of it before, here are some pictures.

The actual pump is only slightly bigger than your palm and it runs on built-in batteries (the type your handphone has) AND electricity. Super, super mobile.

I now own the top 3 most powerful breastpumps in the world. ..! (^_^)

Can't wait in 2 weeks time when this new baby joins the family.

In the meantime, here's the whole gang;

Eldest sister - Mamivac Lactive

Second sister - Ameda Lactaline

Next sister, my manual Mamivac Easy - very underused, mostly for emergencies and quick, short getaways only.

Adik bongsu (arriving soon) - Medela Freestyle

Medela Freestyle, mummy's waiting for youuuu...

I LOVE my kids..!!! (^_^)

Note to self: You're done, after this, ya hear??.. Huhu..

Twisted

2010-04-26T20:24:00.003+08:00

A twisted ankle but never a twisted mind.
A limping foot but never a limping spirit.
A few days of downtime will not paralyse me.. I will be back..! Renewed and supercharged!!

In the meantime... ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow

Erk..

2010-04-25T08:31:00.003+08:00

I just did something that is quite unexplainable.

Although people might say I'm officially nuts, and it's true, I have no concrete explanation for it -but I think it's perfectly fine. And I won't even bother with a justification.

You know how people spend hundreds and thousands on a hobby they love and people around them shake their head and go `tsk, tsk, I can't believe she spent that much on that' and that person goes ahead and does it anyway? Well, this is like that for me.

I would never consider buying a RM5,000 handbag.. but for this hobby of mine, I've spent close to it already.

Erk.. :-P

Can you guess what it is?

Pumpin' up a storm

2010-04-14T06:46:00.004+08:00

EBM Stock to date. I've been pumping for 3 months now.

February. I gotta start using these by 1st May otherwise they'll expire.

Got quite a bit for March.

April - just a few days, lots more coming in, insyaallah!

Each pack is 7oz, so here, there are about 60 packs. So I've got 420 oz in here.

All for.. her.

Motherhood is..

2010-04-08T04:11:00.004+08:00

.. taking short naps at night instead of a long, 8 hour slumber.. the number of times you wake up and go back to sleep to attend to your little one no longer qualifies the activity as sleep..

*sigh*

penatla

My Ameda Lactaline

2010-04-01T17:56:00.003+08:00

It's here! My new pump is here!

I'm such a freak for pumps. I have 3 now, my Mamivac Lactive, my Mamivac Manual and my latest addition to the family, my Ameda Lactaline. Hehe.. not to mention those that I've given away or sold to friends and family.

The reason for this new pump is not very strong really.. hehe.. I just wanted to have a second pump I can carry around and not over-exhaust my current one... can ah? Yeah that's how much I love my pumps. Especially now since my baby is having issues drinking directly :-( (will write about that later) I fear I might need to pump more often than I already do now.

Here it is in all its glory.

I chose this pump because:

a. It has battery function AND electricity abled.

b. It's a closed system pump, which means no contamination of milk, unlike some other famous pumps.

c. It's affordable, about RM800.

d. It's lightweight, only about half a kg so pop it goes in my handbag.

e. It doesn't come with all the accesories which I already have.

Hmm.. what else.. Oklah for now, will update if I have more to say on this.

My Mamivac Lactive

2010-03-24T18:32:00.008+08:00

I've been wanting to introduce my pump to the world and today is as good a day as any! (^_^) With all the hype surrounding Medela's latest and super slim pump, the Freestyle (which I had initially wanted as well, huhu..) I found this pump - that was said to be just as good, if not better.

Medela Freestyle is one expensive pump, retailing at about RM1700 and this one, from Germany, is slightly less, for RM1300. Medela has one disadvantage that I don't like - the fact that milk (or drops of moisture from the milk) can get into the tubes and stay there. It's sounds pretty gross to me and so this pump came at a perfect time. It has a closed system, which in no way at all, milk can escape to the tubes.. which means, it's maintenance-free.

And after using it, I am a big fan. It's a perfect little pump, responsible for my generous output of milk. This has been my pump for the past 3 months. I bought it especially upon giving birth to my 3rd daughter. Here it is, with much pleasure..the one and only Mamivac Lactive.. taa daa...

I pump at my workstation.. at home! hehe.. so I double pump while working, handsfree.. tak terasa time flies and bottle dah penuh (^_^)

side view
the pump comes with this super cute red bag

small and compact, really sturdy design and amazing technology

a regular pumping session.. about 5.5oz.. not phenomenal, but not too shabby either (^_^)

the manual version - also equally good

FYI, this is my 5th pump and by far the best - my previous pumps were pureen electric (big mistake, total crap) avent isis, medela harmony (both good but i can't la, manual pumps, penat..) , medela mini electric (too noisy and single pump) and spectra 3 (a very good basic double pump too). I'm thinking of getting the Ameda Lactaline too for its battery operation-ness, for as wonderful as this Mamivac pump is, it needs electricity to run. That's the only drawback.

Getting a good breastpump is the make or break factor in making your breastfeeding journey works, seriously. Pay a little more for your pump but you will be rewarded with insyaallah, a more efficient way of removing milk from your breasts and generating more output, giving you satisfaction and that peace of mind we crave when feeding our little ones while we're at work.. good luck mums!

Sad day

2010-03-03T14:44:00.002+08:00

I put this up on Facebook and thought some people might be uncomfortable with it, so here it is now. It's about the milk in the freezer that I had to throw away due to power failure. One of the things I will never ever forget in my entire life.

One of the saddest days of my life - had to throw away 13 bottles of expressed breastmilk due to electricity failure.. tears flowed freely as precious milk was poured away :'-(

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Added January 24 · Comment ·LikeUnlike

Ilya Yasnorizar
dugaan selalunya kak la akn mendpt yg lebih baik. its mean u akn dpt produce more what u already have b4.....
January 25 at 9:11am ·

Maizura Abas
You are doing so well, girl! You've just had your baby and already you have managed to store 13 bottles of milk! Don't worry, Insya Allah, HE will allow you to provide for baby Syasya!
January 25 at 11:52am ·

Shazreen Zakaria
Hang in there dear...benda baik memang byk dugaan...
January 25 at 11:57am ·

Nik Rahila Wan Ibrahim
Iza, Mai & Shaz - thank you dears, I needed that. It was heartbreaking, to say the least! But redha je lah, and keep going. Adalah hikmah disebaliknya!
January 25 at 2:39pm ·

Afiza Aksan
Sorry to hear that Nik...tak pe lah insyallah ada kebaikannya...n there wud be abundant for the lil one!!
January 25 at 3:07pm ·

Mariny Lubna Mohamed Arif
ala siannya ila! (donno what else to say...)
January 25 at 4:15pm ·

Nik Rahila Wan Ibrahim
kak fifi & nina - thanks, i just needed the support, really! this is nothing we can control, and so kena just terima je & stay strong, but your kind words really helped :-)
January 25 at 7:00pm ·

Mariny Lubna Mohamed Arif
had a great time at FRIM. really inspired by this one mommy who only manage to get the baby to latch on the 38th day after birth... but insisted to give the baby the best!
January 25 at 7:07pm ·

Puteri Isyatur Radhiyah
Sad! I know the feeling. I had to throw 6 bottles full when I attended a course in Melaka.
January 25 at 7:40pm ·

Nik Rahila Wan Ibrahim
my goodness, nina, 38th day?? wow, any other mum would give up days before.. hats off to her! puteq, isn't it just painful? i mean, excruciating!
January 25 at 7:50pm ·

Mariny Lubna Mohamed Arif
i did asked her.. what made her want to continue.. she simply said, she knows it's d best.. btw, it was her inverted nipples that caused d delay.. she cried when the baby first latched..[tangkap sayu dgaq cite cam ni sob sob]
January 25 at 8:24pm ·

Shazreen Zakaria
can imagine the pain she went thru...mine cracked each time masa dalam pantang..rasa nak campak je baby kalau baru nak latch...sakit sampai ke hujung kaki n otak!i pernah masa nak mandi, removed my bra and the skin terpeel off terlekat kat bra tuh...nak nangis tapi Alhamdulillah for full support from hubby..managed to bf all babies tho tak sampai 2 years tapi at least 6 months tu fully bf..now with wafeeq, the longest, hopefully sampai la 2 years..InsyaAllah..
January 26 at 3:33pm ·

Nik Rahila Wan Ibrahim
nina - i pun nak ternangis jugak dgr citer you.. i can feel what she feels, really.. what a special woman!shaz - sakit sampai hujung kaki & otak is right! my crack memang sampai my kids memang muntahkan darah punya afterwards.. rasa nak terbaling baby masa dia latch tu menahan sakit.. the first 2 weeks is the hardest.. now getting better.. all the best to all of us.. may Allah give us strength to finish this!
January 26 at 4:06pm ·

Shazreen Zakaria
ila, i apply lansinoh..its an australian product..very good..here u can get it from mothercare
January 26 at 4:18pm ·

Shazreen Zakaria
if they become vampires, i hope they look like the Cullens hehehehe
January 26 at 4:20pm ·

Nik Rahila Wan Ibrahim
edward in particular..*sigh* but i have girls..! hehe
January 26 at 4:40pm ·

Shazreen Zakaria
the girl vampires pun kewl apa..
January 26 at 4:47pm ·

Shazreen Zakaria
btw ila, i have a lot of milk storage packets yg i x habis guna..u nak tak?plastic yg mcm aiskrim m'sia tuh
January 26 at 4:49pm ·

Nik Rahila Wan Ibrahim
hehe.. thanks shaz but stok i pun byk ni.. bab2 membeli i memang johan, pas tu habis ke tidak belum tentu.. huhu.. are you no longer pumping?
January 26 at 5:00pm ·

Puteri Isyatur Radhiyah
Ila, lagi satu nak heal the crack they say susu kita tu kita sapu dekat crack tu everytime. Lebih selalu lebih bagus. It worked for me.
January 26 at 10:18pm ·

Nik Rahila Wan Ibrahim
i did try that.. but so-so lah for me.. it took a while jugak to recover.. guess kena redah je lah.. thanks for the tip! :-)
January 27 at 8:55am ·

Shazreen Zakaria
no more pumping..d milk da adjust to my schedule....n wafeeq is already on solids so manyak senang la
January 28 at 6:57pm ·

Nik Rahila Wan Ibrahim
aiya manyak bagus la itu macamm.. how old is wafeeq already?
January 28 at 7:13pm ·

Shazreen Zakaria
he just turned 1 last friday..Alhamdulillah
January 29 at 2:08pm ·
Write a comment...

Alamak!

2010-03-03T14:41:00.002+08:00

Two new things I did yesterday:
I started exercising again - 30 minutes cardio and 15 minutes toning..
and I ate oats and honey for dinner, instead of rice.

To my horror, my pumped milk was less than usual...! What gives..?

Alamak...!!!!

Breastfeeding again

2010-03-02T14:24:00.007+08:00

My baby's 2 months old already.. and I'm well way on my breastfeeding journey again. I'm hopefully wiser this time around and determined to do it better. With Sarah, her first formula bottle came at 15 months. I was happy and very grateful, considering with Sufya I barely made it 30 days. This time around, with Syasya, maybe, just maybe, I could touch 2 years.

One single factor that I contribute this to - is the need to create your own support system. The Internet- the cyber experts & online breastfeeding mums and forums, for me- was mine, since I couldn't find real-life people who had a full time career and made it past their pantang days. I wasn't so lucky with Sufya, my firstborn, since the Internet was scarce then and my mum didn't really breastfed any of us and therefore couldn't understand what it took.

For Sarah, I armed myself with lots and lots of reading, and was able to hold myself well enough to fight off, well actually just smile off, all `well-meaning' advices and urges. You see, `well-meaning' does not neccesarily mean right. Times have changed, and how we raise our kids are probably a bit different than how we were raised.

With Syasya now, I've decided to put up a lot of pictures and info for friends who might be making this wonderful decision and also to keep myself motivated. Because there is one disease every pumping mother will get as time goes by and it's called M.A.L.A.S (Huhu..)

So here's for today (^_^)

I collected these 24 packs (7 oz each) within a little more than 2 weeks in February, and I keep them in Avent liners to save space. It's so beautiful to look at kan.. hehe.. But I must remind myself that my milk will not be this abundant as time goes by.. so I can't lose sight of that and must keep pumping.

Maybe this is a better way to arrange it?

They go in containers labelled by month, so I know which stock to finish first. They only have a shelf life of 3-4 months frozen, and I use only 1 pack a day. The rest would be fresh milk that I've pumped that day or the day before.

This would be ready for feeding. Just pop them in hot water for a few minutes and transfer them into my Breastflow bottle, and we're ready to go. My pump parts are not washed after every session, only once a day, washed and sterilized. Instead they go into the fridge too.

My Breastflow bottle. Its design is patented to discourage nipple confusion - something every breastfeeding mum fears. It helps baby to switch between mum's breast and bottle effortlessly.

My freezer.. the March container ready to receive stock (^_^)

Fish/chicken/meat will go to the bottom shelf. Here, you are looking at the day before pasar day.. ahaks

What I do FIRST every morning upon opening my eyes is go to freezer to check my stock. It's insane but EVERY breastfeeding mum knows what this feels like.

And I can tell you, it feels pretty damn good.

Lega

2009-11-21T12:41:00.003+08:00

Oh my goodness.. I feel so relieved.

My wonderful supervisor, Dr. Supyan of UKM (some of you might remember him) has suggested that I take a semester off during my maternity leave to unwind and relax, and come back fresh in June to resume.

Why the hell didn't I think of that before?

I was feeling a soo down, thinking of all the work I need to catch up on, I even woke up every morning a heavy chest, knowing I have miles and miles to go before I even reach a milestone.

Now this leave would give me a chance to catch up!

Yay! I actually feel an overwhelming sense of hope and happiness, like the sun has decided to shine on me again. Syukur alhamdulillah! It was like I'm given a 2nd chance in life, and a death row has been lifted of me.

Thanks Dr. Supyan for a brilliant idea. Let me just sort out the paperwork for that, I really hope there aren't any glitches anywhere, and I will make you proud. I will treat the deferment as catch up time and my work will be top-notch, top of the game quality, you'll see!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

God Bless You! Syukur!

I just hate it when..

2009-11-16T20:29:00.001+08:00

I have a feeling someone is mad at me but I'm not sure why..

The scan

2009-11-13T18:52:00.004+08:00

I just came back from another gynae scan today, at 34 weeks along, and yes, it's pretty much confirmed.
I'm having another girl (^_^). My third child will be another daughter.
I feel very blessed. Praise be to Allah.

But why do people keep giving me pitiful looks and comforting words? Am I not supposed to feel happy? Oh, because she's not a boy.

I didn't realize we still live in biblical times.

How do I put this? Seriously, honestly, genuinely, I'm very, very happy. I can't say it enough. I sound like a broken record already. There's no reason why I shouldn't be.

And yet people take it upon themselves to comfort me somehow. I'm going to have a beautiful, healthy baby soon but because she doesn't have a penis, people tend to feel sorry for me. With her arrival, apparently i'm not filling some kind of `quota', so, `I should keep trying'.

Yes, I'm going keep trying after this but only because I want more kids, not because I need a baby boy to feel complete! So wait a minute, are you calling me inadequate? Huh? huh?

My poor baby, not even born and yet already being discriminated against.

If only people know how difficult it was for me to get pregnant in the first place.
If only people know how difficult it is for some people to have kids even.
If only people know how many kids are left unloved and uncared for.

This one will have parents and 2 elder sisters who will dote on her unconditionally.

It's never enough with these folks. And trust me, they get younger and younger nowadays.

If you're single, they'll ask you when you'll get hitched. If you do get married, they'll bug you about having a kid. Then when you do have a child, they'll pester you about having another one right after the 2nd birthday party.

Then if you're blessed with 2-3 kids but of a single sex only, they'll start offering advice on having one of the other!

Do these people really mean well like they say they do? I have a feeling some plot of conspiracy is conjured behind our backs, where the more miserable we get, the more points they score.

My 30-year-old very-successful single engineer sister has 2 elder sisters to tell our mum to back off. One uncle even married another because the first wife couldn't produce boys, when really, if you know a pitiful amount of science like I do, hello, it's like the male that produces the chromosoms that determine the sex of the baby.

Sigh. There's just no pleasing everyone, is there?

The good news is, at this age, I don't feel the need to. I know my 2 girls and husband are ecstatic and highly anticipating this arrival, and that more than does it for me.

So there's only one thing to do about these `well-meaning' folks.
Stop telling people about the scan and just shrug, `entahlah'.

And then they will bug me when the baby's born! Haha.. it just never ends!

I love being pregnant because..

2009-09-05T07:24:00.001+08:00

.. it's the only time when ANYTHING is bigger than my boobs. Haha..

Morning sickness at 35

2009-08-18T17:53:00.004+08:00

I dunno if it's the 3rd pregnancy, or the fact that I'm 35 this year.. but boy, did I have it hard! My morning sickness was so bad that I remained horizontal most of the time and couldn't find the energy to do most things. And darn, that sucked.. big time..
I loathed the sight of the computer screen, reading were just blurry lines after 5 minutes and get this, the thought of food repulsed me.
Everything I'd never thought I'd be.
Forget driving, forget phD research, forget eating.
I was going from pajama to pajama, day in and day out, wishing I'd hit 4 months so it would all be over.
While vowing never to get pregnant ever again.

Hye

2009-05-04T17:45:00.002+08:00

I haven't written in a while.
Between my short holiday trips and reading for my research, not much has happened.

I must say this though, I'm getting bored with staying home.
Never thought I was the stay-at-home type and this has confirmed it.
As a good friend said, phD is one long, lonely journey.
Never thought I'd agree with her so soon.

And yet, I would hate going back to work either. Last I heard, things got crazier there.

And so, here I am, at home, in my tees and capris, trying to make sense of how I'm going to cope for the next 2.5 years. While catching up on my 1000 books & articles to read for research.

Sigh.. I feel sad and alone and bored.

Guess I'm not too cut out for this phd-business after all.

Buat passport baru

2009-01-11T00:19:00.004+08:00

Kakak renew passport.

Adik buat passport baru.

Mama... surf airlines website...

(I can't start my studies yet... I have to go somewhere first and get this travel bug out of my system.. Earghh!!)

My new role

2009-01-07T11:09:00.003+08:00

As of last week, I begin a new chapter in my life... as a phD student.
I've cleared my office, said goodbye to my colleagues and will be on leave for the next 3 years.

Funny, all i can think about is travel, travel, travel! Hehe..

My girls as of today

2008-11-28T21:55:00.007+08:00

What's up today

Sufya is taking drama classes & Quranic for the school hols.
Sarah had her first taste of milk other than mine. Sadly...! I was able to hang on to fully breastfeeding her for 1 year & 3 months. And due to the impossible amount I pump out now, I had to resort to a backup. From today on, she'll have a serving of fresh milk and the rest breastmilk..sob sob. Having said that though, i'm proud of myself for making it this far..

(Yikes, just realized the camera date is wrong!)

Gasp!

2008-11-06T21:12:00.011+08:00

Sukasukasukasukasukasukanyaaaaaaaa (^_^)
Abang Coach.. tunggu... i'm comingggggg

The biggest secret of all

2008-10-31T19:33:00.004+08:00

I just came back from teaching IELTS skills to my fellow colleagues - lecturers who are about to further their studies abroad and need to sit for this internationally-acknowledged English Test where they need to achieve a certain band to proceed with their application.

And God, I feel good.

I get stints like this once in a while apart from what I teach everyday - which is Technical English, and think to myself- this is what I wanna do, this is where I belong - teach proficiency to appreciating adults. I'm reminded again of what brought me here in the first place - my love for teaching proficiency English.

What I do now is teach Technical English to engineering and IT undergrads, who half-dragged themselves to class, looking like something the cat brought in, wishing that the skies would fall down that day so that class would be cancelled.

Today I drove home feeling FULL. I feel satisfied, accomplished and just happy. It doesn't help that my absolute current fav song was on air too ~ Next Plane Home - Daniel Powter (best gilerr kan lagu ni??) which I loudly sang and danced along with.

I love the wide-eyed innocence of students, be they 20 or 45, and the look on their faces when they understand and recognise something. The grin and nods make you feel like you've shared with them the biggest secret of all! It's just priceless.

And when the teaching profession get slammed, hit and clobbered left, right and corner, this twinkle-in-the-eye is what gets you through the day. When the day sucks and all you have is the smallest will to live, this is the the thing that picks you up and pushes you to move on. When we have nothing else to hold on to, this hope is what we have.

And noone but us teachers will know how that feels.

And that, ladies & gentlemen, is the biggest secret of all! Hah! So who has the last laugh now?

Gundah gulana

2008-10-14T23:30:00.003+08:00

Hatiku tengah gundah gulana..
Stok freezer tinggal 3 botol saja lagi. Combined with daily production.. it's only a matter of time before I have to resort to buying milk elsewhere other than my own.. :-(

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, please increase my milk supply for my baby... you have blessed me for 14 months.. Kalau benarlah itu rezeki anakku, engkau permudahkanlah laluanku.
Hanya kepada Engkau sahaja aku berserah. Amin..

Beginilah cabaran seorang ibu menyusu..

I wish it were that easy to just go and buy a can of milk for her.. but apparently not. It's like I've declared war with formula milk and yet after a year, I realize I shouldn't be so hard on myself anymore.

I'm so darn confused!

Sufya is 7

2008-09-25T21:06:00.002+08:00

Today, my firstborn turns 7. Gee whiz.. where on earth has the time gone?

7 years ago today, I was in one of the labour rooms in UH PJ, giving birth to a 3.98kg baby after 14 hours of labour. Doctors had to resort to double instrumentation because of her size - vacuum and forceps, which resulted my post-partum haemorrhage to be close to a litre.

Sigh.. and that isn't even the bad news.

The sad news is my baby girl is growing up before my eyes and before u know it, will be leaving home to marry off the man of her dreams. Sob sob.. and as she turns 7 today, I'll be lucky if I have 20 more years with her as my baby.

Are all mothers like this on their daughter's birthdays?

Lovely

2008-09-25T20:57:00.004+08:00

Thanks aunt Cik Ni...

Technology.. it's only a matter of time now before people are able to publish books in their own backyards..

For sale

2008-09-17T21:19:00.004+08:00

Salam all,

I'm selling my manual pump for RM150, inclusive of shipping and handling. First come, first served, peeps! (Reason: eyeing a gorgeous brand new portable pump ^_^)

Avent Isis + some accessories + some freebies

*Note: Breastpump sold!

Sarah is 1

2008-09-06T12:05:00.008+08:00

I can't believe it's been one month plus since I last wrote! Tsk Tsk..

Anyways..

My baby girl Sarah turned 1 two weeks ago. Happy Birthday sayang!

At this moment, you are happily taking a nap in your buai, snug as a bug in a rug in your kain batik cocoon, you love eating blended rice porridge with brocolli+chicken+carrot+ potatoes, trying out all kinds of consonants and vowels so very loudly and strongly every chance you get.. that the neighbours can hear you...hehe... and are struggling to take your first steps!

And most importantly for mama, I have never had to buy formula milk for you at all! ^_^

That's right! My breastfeeding journey has reached its 1st year anniversary and I must say I'm pretty proud of myself. Any full-time working mother can agree with me that it isn't easy. It still isn't easy now, milk supply dwindling due to fasting month, less chances to pump while I'm outstation etc but alhamdulillah.. I'm holding on so far! Ini rezekimu sayang. Absolutely no formula milk for you ^_^

Sarah, abah and I hope you'll have fun learning and growing with us and kakak Sufya who loves you to bits. You're such a delight to us with your antics every day. We love you so much!

Hapy 1st Birthday anak mama!

Why I love breastfeeding

2008-09-04T10:27:00.005+08:00

I've fully breastfed my little baby for a year plus now, something I never thought I'd achieve. Not in a million years.

All I've heard before is how difficult it is, how `leceh', how it changes your body blablabla....

but no one told me the kind of joy it brings! Biasalah.. to give the best mesti require some sacrifice, innit?

But I tell you, I've truly discovered a whole array of `nikmat'.

Here're only some of the reasons why:

I get to hold her tight and enjoy the feel of her, the smell of her, in my arms for the 15 minutes I'm nursing her. You know how a year-old doesn't sit still for a second otherwise.

She's beautiful and healthy and `tembam'. I love the look on people's face when I answer, 'Oh saya tak campur susu. Susu badan saja.' People actually look at me in disbelief! Heheh... I love that!

I also love the consequent question.. 'Eh u kerja kan? So u buat macamana?' And upon nodding, I will launch into my pumping schedule at work, milk transporting and storing tips, how to maintain supply yadayadayada! Questions are welcome!

Travelling is sooo easy... no hot water, formula dispenser, bakul what-nots. Just grab a diaper and we're good to go!

I have 3 pumps: Manual Avent Isis, Single electric Medela & double electric Spectra 3. Spectra 3 is absolutely my best friend, one of the reasons that made it all possible. Pumping is done within 15 minutes everytime, it's a non-issue.

I guess it helps that I have my own office that I can lock and pump, and a fridge to store my milk in. I love when a colleague knocks during that time and asks, ' Mommy milking?' to which I grinned, 'Yeah I'm topless baby, be with you in a second,'. Of course male colleagues will get a different response...huhuhu

I've encouraged, entertained and recommended many new moms/colleagues to share this joy I'm feeling and I'm happy to say I have some happy campers on board!

Of how it relaxes you. Prolactin is released during breastfeeding. It calms mommy very much.. so that's why you see mommies sleeping on the job!

How I found the strength within myself to maintain this journey. I read and read, not really having a real life model to look up to with Abang Google as my other best friend.

For the fact that for the first 6 months, my daughter grew up on my milk ALONE. You know how that makes you feel? It's undescribable. You'd have to try it to experience it yourself.

Most of all, is of the bond I have with my daughter. As she closes her eyes and falls asleep while nursing, I knew nothing could shake what we're sharing together.

Shahira Ab. Ghani

2008-07-25T21:52:00.000+08:00

I’ve just arrived home from attending the funeral. It has been a long day and I still can’t get it off my head.

As I saw her body being lowered to the ground today, memories of us together came flashing back.

I met Shera last when I treated both Yati & her to a belated birthday lunch at Itallianies The Curve only last Friday.

She was her usual chirpy self but I also saw that she was extraordinarily radiant. I felt it in my heart but it didn’t quite make it to my mouth.

We had lunch as usual, making jokes about everything, our kids, our jobs, the waiter... while polishing off everything on the plates. Of course we shared everything we collectively ordered – shrimp linguine, fried calamari, beef lasagna and crème brulee.

As we hugged and kissed before we parted ways, I told her her hair smells delicious. It was as baby-soft as ever but without the brown natural highlights she used to have. A few kisses and hugs and she was gone. As quick as lightning. That’s her- quick, no-nonsense, little miss speedy Gonzales.

And then her brother called me at work yesterday to deliver the news.

It was a horrible accident on her way home from school at about 3pm.

He couldn’t confirm what exactly happened but apparently she hit a lorry. Her neck and head broke. She died when they arrived at a clinic.

She wasn’t driving her own car. It was a brand-new red Savvy that belonged to her sister-in-law. And she has been complaining that something’s wrong with the accelerator/brake.

At the funeral today, she looked calm and beautiful. Her mum was weak and weary and her daughters were solemn but curious, unaware of the magnitude of the situation. Syafiq was just inconsolable.

He made Yati & I promise we’d come visit him and the kids. Her mum wanted us to always think of Shera’s kids as our own.

I saw so many TESL 5-ians today I’ve lost track. It’s heartbreaking to be gathered again under such unfortunate circumstances. Shera would have loved to play host to our gathering, in fact not one conversation passed by without her mentioning of one.

My darling Shera – may you rest in peace. You will be greatly missed. We didn’t get to have our all-girl shopping trip to Bandung , u won’t make it to my house in Melaka after all and I’ve been meaning to tell you this, I think your blog name’s really witty.

You are a strong and selfless woman, often putting the needs of others first ahead of yours. You are a wonderful, efficient and doting mother & wife. Most of all, you are a reliable, rock-steady, fabulous friend.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku engkau cucurilah Rahmat ke-atas roh Shahira binti Hawa dan engkau tempatkanlah dia di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman. Amin.

Must. Write. More.

2008-07-04T21:54:00.000+08:00

I have got to start writing more.

It's nice to read other people's blogs that get updated often. And man, can people write. It blows my mind at how they can walk their thoughts so carefully and orderly. Me - I don't have such energy. Cut me to the chase and just hit me with it already.

Also, I wait till I have something good i'd like to remember and then I pick up the feather. Otherwise, well, sorry... afraid it won't make the cut.

I don't know how this happened. I'm not proud of this, you know. I used to be quite the writer when I was in school.

My essays have been read out loud in class and more than one lecturer have told me that I've got the flair. In fact, one made me write out a whole new one in front of her because she thought I took my sentences from somewhere, when I was, hello, talking about `my embarrasing experience'. `My'. Mine. Go figure.

So that's saying - people don't throw up reading my stuff.

What on earth is the deal here then..?

I'm thinking it's coz sometimes I just forget this is my space and that I can do whatever the hell I want with it. Guess you could call it `blog-shy'.

And then when I get home, between breastfeeding my baby, my girl's homework, my husband's updates and everything in between, the reasons not to write snowball even more.

But I've got to get back in the game. I've got to, I've got to, I've got to.

Especially since I'm pursuing my doctorate soon and of course the fact that I'm an academic. I'm a researcher. I'm a writer. It's my business to write. Publish or perish, is the mantra drilled day in and day out.

And the sad thing is, I love writing. Most people don't.
So what the hell is the matter with me.....? Get on with the program already...!

I give myself way too many excuses sometimes..sigh..

Just get on your freakin arse and do it!

Excuse my French.

Watch this space..

Alhamdulillah

2008-06-12T19:00:00.000+08:00

Syukur alhamdulillah.
I've received a DS52 promotion today.
Thank you Allah for your blessings and rezeki.

My heartfelt gratitude goes out to my family, friends and especially to my soulmate- my dearest husband, for all the love and unconditional support. I couldn't have done this without you.

So, if any of u can make it to Melaka, lunch is on me (^_^)

Sarah's ride

2008-06-06T10:49:00.001+08:00

I was test driving strollers the other day and finally settled on this one. It's a Peg Perego and it's loaded with fun, convenient features which just pleases me to no end! It snaps shut and open real nice and compact, and it has steps at the back for an older brother or sister to stand on and cruise along, much to my elder daughter's delight! And as for mommy, why push one when you can push two? (^_^)

Also has a huge shopping basket underneath for mommy's convenience.. I can foresee lots of trips with us girls when daddy's out on outstation or out on his futsal games.. nice..

My Sarah

2008-05-10T18:08:00.000+08:00

And here's the other light of my life, my 8.5 month old, Sarah.

Also drama princess in training.

Milestones: Climbing on everything every chance she gets and can't sit back down on her own. Tertonggek-tonggek kalau nak duduk..

Expert crawler.

Consonant of the week- m & l. Nangis pun `lalala!!'

Mama's milestone: Still fully breastfeeding (^ _ ^) X sangka i made it this far.. huhuhu.. Semoga Allah permudahkan..

A decade ago

2008-05-06T22:10:00.000+08:00

As highlighted by a yahoo groupmate, this year is the 10th year anniversary of my University graduation.

In 1998, I stepped out into the world, armed with a degree, ready to save the world.

What the hell did I know then.

Today, as we grapple with increasing petrol prices, dirtier air, clowns posing as politicians and the possibility of having no rice in sight, I'm lucky if I could save even myself.

Looking back, I'm convinced things are better.

In 1992 I went into Matriculation and discovered myself. I had no clue who I was before.

In a few months I blossomed into something I never knew I had in me.

In a year plus, I was pretty kickass, winning first place in the Girls' College Student Body Election, getting fantastic grades, earning myself a first boyfriend, a handsome hockey player from another Matriculation college who couldn' take his eyes off me ;-)

I was smokin' hot and nothing could get in my way.

I smooth-sailed through University and never really had to struggle, juggling studying, having fun, boys and everything in between. Never mind that I didn't have much money then, I always managed to laugh my way through.

Studies were even dangerously exciting. Everything was last minute and assignments were completed at the 11th hour. Especially the Grade A ones. The secret? Damn insightful group discussions.

I'd have to thank my group members for such intriguing group discussion sessions -we discussed everything, the assignments, the projects, the finals. It was the musyawarah concept, the unselfish heart to heart discussions, the spirit of teamwork and solidarity that did the job.

Those few years had me discovering traits that shape me into who I am today and I also make lifelong friendships that gets me through life.

I learn to stare at problems in the face, gets stared right back and then gets pushed down. I pick myself up, brush the dust off and move on.

And now.. I'm financially sound, I'm blessed with a beautiful family, my parents are relatively healthy and I love my job.

But nothing beats a decade ago.

With fond memories, TESL 5 PPP/UKM - thank you for the fun times, the heartbreaking moments, the grow-up lessons.

I am what I am because of you.

My Sufya

2008-05-03T20:02:00.000+08:00

Meet Sufya, my 7 year old iron-fortified, honest-to-goodness drama princess. Don't let that sweet face fool you for one second ;-)

I'm a Breastfeeding Mom

2008-05-02T22:29:00.000+08:00

I love this story on breastfeeding. And yes, I'm a fully breastfeeding mum to my 8 month old baby.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck: Pumping and returning to work

View co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck, 30, and her husband, Arizona Cardinals player Tim Hasselbeck, welcomed son Taylor Thomas on November 9th 2007, joining big sister Grace Elisabeth, 2 ?.

In her latest blog for Dreft, Elisabeth fills us in on her love-hate relationship with pumping, explaining it's use to Grace and returning to work."I thought I was safe in my room with the door firmly shut. It was the last day of my first week back at 'The View.'

Truthfully, I was exhausted. It was 8 am. I had a little while before I had to be in the office. I took a moment, closed my eyes, and somehow fell asleep over the loud, obnoxious sound of the pump,'Mommy, what in the WORLD is THAT???'

Totally startled, I sat straight up, only to see the cute little expression on Grace's face after she posed the question. Too tired to make something up, I told her it was a pump.'Why is your body in there?' she pressed on, eyes closely examining the tube/funnel/bottle contraption. 'So that I can give Taylor my milk when I am at work.' 'Ohhhhhhhh... That's cool and funny.' (Yeah... my sentiments exactly...)

'Can I pump too???' 'One day, you can pump milk for your baby.And, in an oh so very 2 year old moment, she firmly stated: 'But I want to do it now!'

Since that day, Grace is unphased by the pump. I wish I were too. I mean, I am thankful to have a great one, and that there is a way to be at work and still nourish your child, and keep moms from becoming engorged to the point of high fever...but I still hate it. I do. I feel as if I have three kids: Grace, Taylor, and THE PUMP!"

My latest toy

2008-04-15T11:47:00.000+08:00

Behold.. ladies and gentlemen, my latest indulgence. My spanking brand new Chevrolet Captiva, 2.0 Turbo Diesel.

There are many gorgeous SUVs around, but this one takes the cake.

And apparently this one is well worth its value too. Well I'll let my husband worry about the technical mumbo-jumbo..

while I worry about driving it to work and turning heads.

It's actually a trade-off with my husband, the deal is I pursue my phD locally instead of overseas and he gets to proceed with his business here instead of dropping everything off and coming with me..

and I get a car of my choice.

Well, it's a tough choice aint it.. me, having to throw away a childhood dream and sacrificing one of my main objectives in life and all..

but will u look at this baby?

Well, i'm ashamed to say that I took one look and I'm sold. The rest, as they say, is history.

So welcome to the family, handsome! (^_^) A free ride is up for grabs! Anyone?

U'd think

2008-04-15T10:22:00.000+08:00

Being an academic, you'd think that you'll be in a world where things are treated objectively and corrupt-free-ly. You are, after all, in the business of knowledge and it's not who you know, but what you know. Heck, it's even what u preach in class everyday.

Hell, I'm still sad to report that it's still bloody who you know that counts.

Drinking buddies, brown-nosing suck-ups still rule the day and still get ahead.

When many other people deserve the chance and they're not even considered.

It's sad, frustrating and pathetic all at one go, isn't it?

And when u're inside, cakap salah, tak cakap pun salah. Sikit-sikit kecik ati, tak puas hati.. pas tu, siap la markah prestasi, jangan mimpi la nak dpt 90% and above kalau bukak mulut lebeh-lebeyy (not that I give a shit)

Sigh, camne nak maju.. bangun la bangsaku, bangun..

My maiden attempt

2008-04-15T08:45:00.000+08:00

All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)

A small step for mankind and a giant leap for me. Here's to good blogging.